I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
