You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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