Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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