can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
