made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
