Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
