I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
