In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
