so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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