o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
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