But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
