Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
