Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
