Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
