I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
He? As in you personified your dick?
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