First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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