Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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