i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
