Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Randomize
