Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
