u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
