How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
40s are totally the cure
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
