last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
