Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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