It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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