Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
