He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
