someone threw a dead crab at me
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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