so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
