If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
