why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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