if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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