but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
