trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
My balls are so social today.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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