It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Randomize
