So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
