the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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