I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
