You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
