"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
