this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
