Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
