I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
