Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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