Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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