It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
