he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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