new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
