I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
