i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
