I'm going to jail i love you
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I think I sprained my soul last night
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
