Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
it's like iHOP with fire
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Randomize
